{"id":1680,"date":"2017-01-24T17:15:23","date_gmt":"2017-01-24T17:15:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/carolinegourlay.wordpress.com\/?p=1680"},"modified":"2020-09-04T10:47:27","modified_gmt":"2020-09-04T10:47:27","slug":"im-so-stupid-dealing-with-self-criticism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.carolinegourlay.co.uk\/im-so-stupid-dealing-with-self-criticism\/","title":{"rendered":"Dealing with self-criticism – Four strategies for handling your inner critic"},"content":{"rendered":"

How strong is your inner critic? Most of us have a critical voice in our heads at some point but for some people it’s relentless and often vicious. People who would never dream of calling someone else a completely useless idiot are often all too willing to apply the label to themselves.<\/p>\n

I’m not suggesting that self-criticism has no function: a person who has no capacity for self-reflection can’t learn from their mistakes as they don’t think they’ve made any. Self-criticism has its place if it’s tempered with self-compassion. But if you’re a bit too good at the criticism bit but don’t manage to be kind\u00a0to yourself, here are four strategies for handling your inner critic:<\/p>\n

1. Stick to the specifics<\/h2>\n

A particularly nasty tendency of the inner critic is to generalise from one bad incident to your entire character. Let’s suppose a presentation goes badly. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, the inner critic gives it to you with both barrels until you conclude that you are stupid, sniveling idiot with no interpersonal skills who doesn’t deserve to ever be seen in polite company again.<\/p>\n

The first thing to check is whether it really was as bad as you think. Inner critics can have very exacting standards. I still wince slightly at the memory of noticing too late that I’d written “the juries out” instead of “the jury’s out” in a widely-circulated document. In 1996. Maybe, actually, no one noticed that you skipped a slide. Or perhaps\u00a0they were tolerant and understanding of your nervous hesitation. If so, give yourself a break, learn from it, move on.<\/p>\n

But suppose it really was a disaster. Maybe you were rambling and incoherent and half the audience walked out. Then you got flustered, dried up and ran out of the room crying.\"puzzled-little-boy\" In that case, it probably was as bad you think. But that makes you a person who gave a bad presentation, not a completely useless idiot. It’s painful, but the evidence suggests that you will feel better if you\u00a0focus on the specifics <\/a>– what did you say, what was your tone of voice, what happened next and so on.\u00a0Salvage any good bits\u00a0(maybe the material was great, maybe you started well) and work out how you could have handled the situation differently when it started to go downhill.<\/p>\n

I recognise, however, that this might not always be enough. Your self-criticism may not even be linked to a\u00a0particular incident, you just have this feeling that you’re worthless, stupid, unpopular or whatever. This is where the next three strategies come in.<\/p>\n

2. Distance yourself from\u00a0it<\/h2>\n

Suppose you keep thinking to yourself “I’m so stupid”.\u00a0All that is is a thought. It exists only as a thought. So progressively distance yourself from it by following a sequence such as:<\/p>\n